Speechless – but still hanging around.

Its very rare that I have nothing to say – when your mind goes completely blank and there is absolutely nothing you want to write yet I scribble things here because I realise I haven’t been here for a while 🙂 and pouring your heart out is needed to keep you sane.

2020 has been a very sad year for all of us. I wanted to visit here and pour my heart out when my mumma left us in June, but everything happened so surprisingly that there is “still” absolutely nothing to express. Tears roll down the eyes even today but it does not express the pain that the heart feels. Why? I guess not, because life is and never will be the same anymore. And it is extremely hard to explain what I am going through.

I am sure once I get my senses right ( may be some day ) I will have a lot to say about the day I spoke to my mum last and the day she passed away. I do not have the strength to look back at that day .. yet. You can console the entire world for the pain, you can help every single individual in this world and bring them out of their sorrows but how do you get stronger yourself when you have had one of the scariest years of your life.

Just looking forward to meet my loved ones when everything is safe to travel and spend some time with them to go through what has happened.

I will be back.

Dika, as my mum called me.

Thoda Thak Gaya Hoon

Off late, there has been a very strange feeling of realising your life’s goals and its intended destination. You stay away from the huzz and buzz of life and the one-way traffic that the society has to offer you. Staying away from all the news and current affairs, or rather acting as if you don’t follow it at all has helped me being calm and focus on what is more important in life.

I came across this poem today and while I do not know who wrote it – it gives a candid resemble to what I feel at this very moment.

I hope you like it, as much as I did.

Thoda thak gaya hoon, door nikalna chor diya hai
par aisa nahi ke chalna chor diya hai

Fasle aksar rishton mein doori badha dete hai
par aisa nahi ke maine apno se milna chor diya hai

Haan zara akela hoon duniya ke bheed mein
par aisa nahi ke maine apnapan chor diya hai

Yaad karta hoon apno ki.. Parwah bhi hai mann mein
bus kitna karta hoon… yeh batana chor diya hai

Aaj Bhi Hai

Rang badalti hai zindagi, Har pal ek sa toh nahi hota…

Kuch din aise bhi beete hai, jab dard ka ehsaas hi nahi hota…

Yoon hi nahi hota rang gehra, Kuch kasoor waqt ka bhi hai…

Dard toh rehta hai seene mein, Chehron par muskaan aaj bhi hai…

Lekin Chehron ki Khushiya kya batayegi, Is dard-e-dil ka haal…

Kabhi doob ke dekhiye in nigahon mein, Ke Ashqon ka Samundar – Aaj bhi hai…

A New Beginning

I haven’t been regular at my blogs lately — In fact, regular is an overstatement – Its been many many years I haven’t written much. But I guess it’s never too late to start again. Isn’t it? My recent trip to India made me realise a lot of things. Life is too short, you need to make the most out of every little moment you are here.

I truly believe that if you are happy, if you are content within your inner-self, you can bring out the best in the people around you. Smile is contagious and so are tears… even a tiniest tear can bring sadness to your loved ones – so it is very important to stay happy and share that happiness with everyone around. Life is short – You can never predict whats going to happen the next moment. You will never come out of it alive so why waste your time fearing and living in darkness. Spread your wings and fly. Make yourself free and enjoy each day as there is no tomorrow.

I am not sure if I can continue this feeling forever – but I can try, all we need a step forward towards staying positive and life will be beautiful.

Life is beautiful. And if you think it is not — step out and make it one.

Love Always.


Its Time Again

Hello world.
I just returned back to #London after a wonderful week back home in India. Every time you travel back home — you question yourself why do you have to go back? Life is really strange. I so wished we were not torn by our “practical” and “emotional” sides so much. A part of me wants to stay back in India forever and the other one pulls me back to London. You are torn apart from your family and closed ones – living far away from their sights and still crave for their presence every moment.

I remember i wrote this same time last year when I dropped my brother and his family who was travelling back to Glasgow from London. I felt that emptiness in me when I was returning home. Why? I still keep questioning myself.

So when I have just returned back to London, I guess it’s still “That time again” …

Its that time again
To return to empty home
When festivals come to an end
And family returns back home

Its that time again
When you wish we lived together
And we did not have to wait..
For another reason to gather..

Its that time again
To ask why are we all so apart
And you feel so low…
You feel the pain in your heart

We’ve grown up together..
And i’m so used to have you around
And now the house is empty
We are so used to hear Aarvis sound

But then have our priorities
And our paths have to lead away
But i hope the reasons come soon
For everyone to get together and stay.

Love Always, Mayur

Ek din Bik Jayega

11th October — Its been 6 years since I have lost myself… my dad. my friend. my institution.

Life has been good to me. I moved to London in 2010 – completing one of his biggest dreams of travelling to London some day, which he never did. But every single day, every single moment I still feel somewhere he is looking up to me and watch me living his dream. Every single step I take, every decision I make – Its with him in my mind, whether he would think the same? whether he would take that path? whether he would be proud of me?

I’ve never said enough, how much i adored him. Even when he was here. Which is one of the regrets and pains I may have to carry on. He has always been there for me, even when I was not. He has always believed in me, when I did not. I remember my school trip back from Nepal returning back to CST Station and calling from a local phone, crying and scared — how I lost my luggage back in Nepal and how it had all the gifts and many valuables. How he calmed me down and took me in my arms and said its OK. I know it was never OK for him, as he had to earn more to buy again. There are numerous such occasions where I have make mistakes and he has always forgiven me, with a smile.

I remember he loved to sing and listen to Mukesh, one of his favourite singers. And Raj Kapoor one of his favourite actors. He loved several of his songs. One of which we had always played several times on a recorded video tape and is so apt for emotions which are pouring out today.

Ek din bik jayega mati ke mol, Jag me rah jayege pyare tere bol
Duje ke hotho ko dekar apne geet, Koi nishani chhod phir duniya se dol
Ek din bik jayega mati ke molm Jag me rah jayege pyare tere bol

Anhoni path me kante lakh bichhaye, Honi to phir bhi bichhada yaar milaye
Ye biraha ye duri do pal ki majburi,  Phir koi dilwala kahe ko ghabaraye
Dhara jo bahati hai, Milke rehti hai, Behti dhara ban ja phir duniya se dol
Ek din bik jayega mati ke mol, Jag me rah jayege pyare tere bol

Love to Dad. Miss You. Always.

Chacha Chaudhary and Sabu

Back in the days where Tom and Jerry and Flinstones were considered as epic cartoons – I remember we used to wait for days to get our hands on the new editons of Indian Cartoon Magazines – Tinkle, Amar Chitra Katha, Chandamama, etc.

Chacha Chaudhary and Sabu

Chacha Chaudhary and Sabu

And one of the best superhero’s we used to adore was Chacha Chaudhary’s Sabu. I remember my school days where I was so excited reading the comic books and how the stories unfolded step by step. We have forgotten those days where characters came out of those pages and became part of our dreams and imaginations.

Today, after almost 2 decades, the death of the founder of Chacha Chaudhary – the Cartoonist Pran – reminded me of those amazing days when we loved reading his works.

I never thought those days would go away. I still remember the newspaper wallah would drop the new edition of Tinkle or these magazines every 2 weeks and we would wait for hours looking at the door for the arrival. And As soon as we get it – there starts the fight between the brothers and sisters as to who will read it first.

I would finish reading the whole book within hours on the same day and then wait for weeks again to get the new one. Sending posts with contest forms and quizzes and feedbacks to the cartoonists was so much fun. Life is so simple now a days where you can easily e-mail the feedback.

Sometimes I miss those days terribly – I wish we could roll back time and get our childhoods back. #sigh!


My Dear Father

11th October 2011 – I remember the day clearly when I spoke to my dad for a few hours while on my way to office. It was a usual day, but never thought the day would leave its mark in history as the darkest day of my life. I have been in London since 5 years now – and living away from my parents and loved ones have always been sad for me.

I wrote this poem just a few days after he died. I miss his terribly.

kuch baatien adhuri si hai… kuch baatien an kahi si hai…
chod ke chale gaye jo hamien… aaj aankhon mein nami si hai…
sochte the ke inti jaldi kya hai.. baat to kal bhi ho sakti hai….
ab na koi kal… na koi baat… aaj aankhon mein nami si hai…
zindagi bhar sirf khushiyo ki raahon par chalaya tha…
na koi pareshaani…. na koi gum ka saaya tha….
jo gum ka zeher ho to khud pee jaate the….
aur humein muskuraate.. hue roshni dikhaate the….
jab hoti thi galti to kehte the… udaas mat hona…
aur aansu agar aate to kehte… bus ab mat rona…
sar par haath rakh kar raat bhar sulaya hai…
cheezen kho jaaye…. phir bhi na rulaya hai…
woh kehte the ke ye cheezen aur paise to aate aur jaate hai…
pareshaani aur udaasi unko waapis nahi laate hai…
galti kitni badi ho…. maaf hamesha kiya hai….
humein gale laga kar galti ka sabak diya hai….
baarish ka mausam ho phir bhi school chodne aate the…
humein chaata de kar khud hi bheeg jaate the….
ek cheenk bhi aa gayi to humko thaam lete the…
aur khud ki bimaariyo ko humse chupa dete the…
ajnabi sheher mein jab hamien bhejna tha…
do pal bhi apne baarien mein na sochte the…
pata tha akele pad jayenge door beto se…
phir bhi hame himmat aur haunsla dete the….
Baatein to abhi aur bhi hain… yaadien to abhi aur bhi hain…
rukti nahi zindagi yahaan… ke aage unke saath safar aur bhi hain…..

Koshish Karne Walo Ki Haar Nahi Hoti

Just remembered one of the poems by Shri Harivansh Rai Bachchan which I had learnt during my school days.

कोशिश करने वालों की (Koshish Karne Walo Ki)
– हरिवंशराय बच्चन (Harivansh Rai Bachchan)

लहरों से डर कर नौका पार नहीं होती, (Lehron se dar kar nauka paar nahi hoti)
कोशिश करने वालों की कभी हार नहीं होती। (Koshish karne waalo ki kabhi haar nahi hoti)

नन्हीं चींटी जब दाना लेकर चलती है, (Nanhi cheeti jab daana lekar chalti hai)
चढ़ती दीवारों पर, सौ बार फिसलती है। (Chadhti deewaro par, sau baar fisalti hai)
मन का विश्वास रगों में साहस भरता है, (Mann ka vishwas rangon mein saahas bharta hai)
चढ़कर गिरना, गिरकर चढ़ना न अखरता है। (Chadhkar girna, girkar chadhna na akharta hai)
आख़िर उसकी मेहनत बेकार नहीं होती,  (Akhir uski mehnat bekaar nahi hoti(
कोशिश करने वालों की कभी हार नहीं होती। (Koshish karne waalo ki kabhi haar nahi hoti)

डुबकियां सिंधु में गोताखोर लगाता है, (Dupkiyaan sindhu mein gotakhor lagata hai)
जा जा कर खाली हाथ लौटकर आता है। (Jaa Jaa kar khaali haath lautkar aata hai)
मिलते नहीं सहज ही मोती गहरे पानी में, (Milte nahi sahaj hi moti gehre paani mein)
बढ़ता दुगना उत्साह इसी हैरानी में। (Badhta dugana utsaah issi hairaani mein)
मुट्ठी उसकी खाली हर बार नहीं होती, (Mutthi uski khaali har baar nahi hoti)
कोशिश करने वालों की कभी हार नहीं होती। (Koshish karne waalo ki kabhi haar nahi hoti)

असफलता एक चुनौती है, इसे स्वीकार करो, (Asafalta ek chunauti hai, isse sweekar karo)
क्या कमी रह गई, देखो और सुधार करो। (Kya kami reh gayi, dekho aur sudhaar karo)
जब तक न सफल हो, नींद चैन को त्यागो तुम, (Jab tak na safal ho, neend chain ko tyaago tum)
संघर्ष का मैदान छोड़ कर मत भागो तुम। (Sangharsh ka maidan chod kar mat bhaago tum)
कुछ किये बिना ही जय जय कार नहीं होती, (Kuch kiye bina hi jay jay kaar nahi hoti)
कोशिश करने वालों की कभी हार नहीं होती। (Koshish karne waalo ki kabhi haar nahi hoti)

Ghar Ki Yaadein

Interesting. It is strange that after many many years I feel like blogging again and I am sure anyone who knows me and have followed my earlier blogs would be quite surprised. But I hope to start writing again which was my passion.

So here is my first post, a poetry I wrote during my initial years here in London. Not sure if this would make sense to everyone but this is what goes in my mind and just penned while my way from office to home.

The longest poem I’ve ever written and possible one of the closest to my heart. I’ll name it as Ghar Ki Yaadein, a conversation between me and City of London :-)

Kyun ajnabi se lagte ho tum…Jab saath hoon mein har dum tumhaare…
Kyun pal pal chup rehte ho tum… Jab karta hoon mein tumse baatien…

Kyun lagte ho tum begaane se… Aur udaasi chayi hai chehre pe…
Kya mujhse koi gila hui hai ? Kya khafa ho tum mujhse ?

Tum kehte ho ke ghar jaana hai… Par yeh bhi to tumhara ghar hai…
Hai yahaan sabkuch tumhare liye… Phir tumhe kiska darr hai?

Hai duniya ke har log yahaan… Hai hindu muslim sikh isaai…
Phir kyu ghar jaana hai…. Jab mil kar rehte hai sab bhai bhai…

Aisi koi jagah nahi yahaan… Jo dekh kar muskaan na aaye…
Har ek cheez – har ek manzil… Bus tumhare hosh le jaaye…

Phir kyun tum kehte ho… Ke humein ghar jaana hai ?
Yeh tumhara bhi ghar hai… Yaha tumhe sabkuch paana hai…

Bus ek sawaal ne mujhe chup kar diya… Ke kaha hai mere sab apne ?
Paise to kamalu khub saare… Par kisse baatunga mere sapne ?

Duniya ki shohrat to kamalu mein… Phir bhi ek kami se hamesha rehti hai…
Zinda to mein kahi bhi reh lu… Waapis aa jao – maa kehti hai…

Mein jitna bhi khud ko rok lu yaha… Mera dil hamesha wahi rahega…
Jitna bhi samjhaau pagal dil ko… ghar jaana hai bus yahi kahega…

Phir kyu na jaau mein yaha se… Jab koi mujhe yaha apna nahi lagta…
Kyu rahun mein apno se door… Ab yeh ek khoobsurat sapna nahi lagta…

Na hoon khafa tumse… Na tumse koi gila hai…
Tumse hi seekha hoon… Kya khoya aur kya mila hai…

Hum sab watan se yaha… kuch majboori se aate hai…
Aur phir aur majbooriyaan… Aur hum yahi reh jaate hai…

Mann to sabhi ko karta hoga… Ke laut jaaye apno ke kareeb…
par mann ko behla dete hai… Ke chal aur do saal azmaale naseeb…

Yaha ki zindagi aur taur tarike… Majboori ka naam le leti hai…
Aur phir yahi apni zindagi bankar… Rishto ko badnaam kar deti hai

Paiso ke is khel mein yaaron… Apno se mooh mod lete hai…
Do char din phir jaate hai milne… Saal bhar akele chod dete hai…

Woh kabhi nahi kehenge tumhe… Ke chod do sab kuch aur aa jao…
Par kabhi unke taraf se bhi socho…. Woh yahi sochte hai.. aa jao…

Na gila shikwa hai logo se… Mein to ab ghar jaata hoon…
Saath rahu jab mein apno se…. to muskaan bhare din laata hoon…

Kuch pal yaha khoob acche beetein… Jo saath mein lekar jaata hoon
Soch lo apno ke liye kabhi… Yahi salah dekar jaata hoon

Love Always